Lost and Insecure.
I have finally heard the most painful line in my life after years of waiting. After hearing that line, I feel like my Heart was ripped out of my chest and destroyed. I guess all I have is me to blame. If only I was contented with the closeness we had. But you were too kind and that was one factor why I fell in LOVE with you more.
I don’t how to start a new chapter in my life knowing you wouldn’t be there until the end but rather a person who gave an impact in my life once. And now I’m questioning myself, during those sad times of mine and you were there cheering me up, did you really cheer me up because you care for me or you just did that because you just feel like doing it? I even remembered what happened months ago when you lost yourself and I was there taking care of you. I wondered where you really that thankful or were you just saying thank you just for the sake of saying one? I have many questions in my mind right now. Maybe I’m just overlooking things. Maybe I just took the care and all the other way around not based from your intentions.
To tell you honestly, I find it hard on how should I act when you’re around. Like how do I keep my cool? The limits to my actions? I try to make it a point that I don’t go beyond that certain line. But I guess I just did.
I can say I’m selfish because I demanded too much from you I know you can give but knowing our current status, I’m not in the right place to demand those stuffs. But I must say, I’m this selfish because I don’t want anyone who would enter your life and then disappoint you. But I know you’re intelligent enough. I just want you to be around me. But that was before, now? All I want is the assurance that you’ll always be there for me as a Close Friend. I want that relationship like Spongebob and Patrick. But you’re not the same person I know. Like what all the people say, the only constant in this world is Change.
Was it really that easy? Easy to let go of the feelings as if nothing happened? If it was easy then I envy you. Because for me, its never easy! I couldn’t even dare let go of the feelings I have for you. Maybe for now I can’t let go. Hopefully time will allow me because just like what they say, time heals everything and by that moment I can say I’m happy because I’m done with it.
So the most painful line that I’ve heard is “There’s nothing more. Just Friends.” I know things wouldn’t be the same. But this is just from my point of view though. Even if things will never be the same, I’m sure I’ll still be that person you can lean on whenever you have problems. I’ll always love you maybe not as much like the 1st time but I’ll always will. Just like what you told me, “You’ll always have that one soft spot for someone.”. I have to say SORRY from the deepest of my heart. I guess this is also one way to say GOODBYE to the memories because I know it will never happen again. I can say I’m lost and insecure at the moment. But If what you’re doing now makes you happy then I’m happy for you too. And I’m wishing you all the best in life.
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)